scares me. It’s in this tight little ball in my stomach that made itself known tonight. When I was driving home & thinking about you & all of a sudden, I felt it. I tried to ignore it & drown it out with the radio & forced myself to song along. Those distractions didn’t last though. That little nervous ball is here to stay… For now…
to the first and only voicemail you ever left me. The one I found in my “Deleted Messages” folder after I panicked scrolling through my regular messages. I knew exactly which date to look for, and I didn’t remember ever deleting it. Why would I have? I quickly undeleted it (thank you iPhone intelligence) & listened to your words.
You sounded so different. So much more formal, your voice somehow deeper than it actually is. You said it was a pleasure to meet me. I wanted to laugh and cry simultaneously as your sound filled my ear, as you left the voicemail I almost never returned. Ask around- my friends know. Your little pauses and your confidence and, I’m sure, your nerves. Your voice held less exhaustion in it, and also less care. It was like irrefutably listening to you and not-you at the same time.
Much later, at our goodbye, you wrote that you are glad to have met me. Who would have known you were telling the truth that first time?
i thought of you, while in the shower
and i thought of how nice it’d be
to have your things among my things
along the bathtub’s edge
and i imagined myself running out of soap
and using yours
and wearing you to work, and the grocery store
and i imagined that night, laying down beside you
and smelling your neck
and finding out where all my soap had gone
There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself.
—Tiffany, Silver Linings Playbook
You like someone who can’t like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot.
the last time I laughed that much for that long.
look so much alike :) I’m glad I got to say goodbye because I’m really going to miss you.
in such a pleasant way… It kind of knocks the wind out of you and then fills you up and makes you a rare kind of happy.